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Night time falls with an audible Thud in Summerston. Despite it's seductive name, there are absolutely no romantic pretensions to long dreamy sun sets or glowing horizons here. Instead, sun light just seems to expire with all the suddenness of a falling guillotine.

Tonight's darkness oozed through the ghetto's streets and alleyways like the groping fingers of an oil slick. As I approached the terminus I rounded a corner with haste only to have a couple of standing female booby Neds loose their footing:

"Whoa! I nearly fell on my face there!" said one of the girls.

"I nearly fell on your face too!" giggled her friend.

Now that is something I would pay money to see. Or at least give a free All Day ticket. Of course it would be a Weekly ticket if I could join in. But if they were into whipping, love turds and gimpish humiliation then we're talking about a free Yearly pass.

At the terminus I unloaded the last of my punters, switched the engine off and looked out the window. Not a place to linger when you're driving a moving target for Neds, but for now silence reigned.

Got out my cab to stretch my legs and noticed a large bunch of flowers lying on a seat. Great, that's another lost property form to fill out when I get back to the depot.

Then I thought: What the hell! No one is going to call the bus company to claim a bunch of flowers. So, it's time for a little flower arranging of my own!

I decided to unwrap the flowers and place little bunches strategically around the bus. After having a good sniff I stuck some Roses in the used ticket bin, a few Lilies in the Metro newspaper rack and a single Sunflower in the "Please Take One" leaflet dispenser.

Despite sitting in deepest darkest bandit country - with danger brooding in every upturned wheelie bin and bricked lamp post - mine would be the Love Bus, a little ray of light in the evil creosote-like darkness around me.

Wonderful! How a little botany can change a Fright Bus into a Bright Bus. With the vibrant colours and rich aroma you would have scarcely noticed the beer cans, Buckfast bottles and pizza remains that lay strewed all over the floor. This might catch on.

After getting back into the cab I started the engine and looked forward to hearing punters comments about my Love Bus. I shifted into D and was just about to leave the terminus when I caught sight of a dumpling muppet hobbling in my direction. Full of love, I waited two full minutes for her to arrive and printed her concession ticket before she stepped on to the platform.

"Driver!" she wheezed, "thank goodness I caught you!"

Ahh, poor little breathless muppet. As she coughed and croaked I noticed that she was so bent over and crooked that her head was pretty much where her belly button should be. And her blue rinse gave the impression of a lint problem. Never mind, this Love Bus is just going to make her day.

"Take a seat," I said, "we're just going now."

"No! I don't want to go anywhere!" she howled.

"Huh?" I replied.

"I think I might have left a bunch of flowers on your bus! I just want to go on and check."

Shit!

I just sat in my cab and waited for "Oh my God!", but it didn't come. I heard her clip-clopping up and down the bus several times but then she just appeared at my cab door and said: "Nope, can't see them anywhere."

You've got to be kidding! They're everywhere! Mind you, they were all well above belly button height.

At this point I was still full of love and felt pity for the little muppet. No doubt she lived in a tea-cosey cottage by a farmer's field and simply wanted to brighten up her scullery with a floral bouquet. Better to give her the flowers and be done with it.

"Look," I said, "Roses in the used ticket bin."

"Oh!"

"Lilies in the newspaper rack."

"Oh!"

"And a Sunflower in the leaflet dispenser."

"Oh! Sweet Jesus! What have you been doing?" she whined.

"Oh, erm, I um..."

"Do you know how much these cost? Look at the state of them!" She grabbed at the flowers which were, admittedly, now a bit droopy.

"These were supposed to be a present for someone tonight!"

A present? Tonight? She wasn't courting was she? Oh, no! Not that! Anything but that!

I was thinking that she was innocently trying to brighten up her hovel with a nice bloom, when in fact these flowers were merely tools of seduction in her quest for leathery love. Ooh! Whipping and love turds and gimpish humiliation amongst consenting geriatrics would definitely NOT be rewarded with a free Day ticket. Hurl! Hurl! Then hurl some more!

Now, with droopy flowers, she seemed furious that she might not get any "action" tonight. As she stepped off the bus she gave me a look that was so sour that it could have curdled milk, bitten off the udder that produced it, and strangled the cow. Without another word she turned on her toes, and in a puff of talc was gone.